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My first blog, warts and all. this is me. today

There I was, riding on the subway. To paint the picture accurately I have to tell you that before this particular train ride, I had been only reading on my commute.  I have so many books that I have never read and so I made a conscious decision to not listen to music on the subway anymore .  I would read.  Well this day for some reason, I didn’t have my book.  I started rummaging through my enormous bag for my earbuds and couldn’t find them in any of the 800 pockets.  But there were my Bose Noise Cancelling headphones. SCORE.  Plugged them into the ole iPhone (which I now dislike and want so desperately to switch to a Galaxy but am afraid all my music won’t line up…blah blah anyway) and chose one of my favorite artists latest album. “Sara Bareilles The Blessed Unrest.  I listen and listen to every detail in all the glory that my Bose headphones provide.  Now before I continue, I am a huge lyric hound.  It’s the first thing I listen to, always.  (Although now that I’ve gone through a recording process of my own, I pay attention to the production of things much more than I used to.  But that’s for another blog where I talk about my dreams of being a producer) A song called “Eden” starts,  and the first verse is sung, first chorus something perks my ear.  Second verse, second chorus into the bridge, my ears are perked and my brain and my heart are at full attention.  I started crying right there, under my Ray-Bans (which are really Faux-Bans that I bought in China. SHHH!) These are the lyrics that hit my heart like a ton of bricks……

Walking in the garden was a serpent-shaped heart and he told me?

“What is broken cannot show, and less than beautiful is worse than unholy”

Idolized my innocence,

Stole it from me in the end?

Now I’m wide awakened and still paying for the poison they sold me

No way to make the pain play fair?

It doesn’t disappear just because you say it isn’t there, so

When they ask why’d she go you can say ‘cause

Life in Eden?

Life in Eden changed?

There was a time when I was taking all bets? that

This place was even better than as good as it gets and now

Looking back from the outside in?

I think I was choking on the air in Eden

Choking on the air in Eden

Life in Eden changed?

This might be the point where come of you might be confused,  or scratching your head wondering “Why was Sara B. breaking Eden’s ass down on the SUBWAY?”  Well I’m gonna tell you.  So many realizations came up while those lyrics penetrated my soul.  There are a lot of things you need to address Eden.  You’ve been harboring  and carrying so much and it’s time to lay it down.  This is a perfect example of the phrase “hindsight is 20/20”. I realize now that the past few years of my life I have been asleep at the wheel, not really an active participant.  I have developed a dangerously toxic relationship with myself.  Making up stories in my head.  Letting other peoples opinions affect my confidence. Letting my own opinion affect my confidence.  Putting my entire worth in that fact that I haven’t been hired for a Broadway show in years. My entire worth.  I cast fear as the leading player in my life.  So much, that singing, the one thing that was always my comfort zone, became a chore.  Became something I didn’t even like anymore. I felt as if I had a pair of hands choking me every time I tried to sing.  Yes the notes would come out, but it wasn’t me.  It wasn’t my voice.  The worst part would come when I would step out on stage  and see someone video taping with their phone and I would start the inner dialogue that led me to the dark place. “Oh shit, now it’s going to be on YouTube, I have to be perfect or someone will comment on it saying I can’t sing like I used to.  Or I sound like a dying cow. Please someone make her stop, her voice is so harsh, I’d rather have someone pour shards of glass in my ears!” (all real comments BTW) I would walk into auditions holding a suitcase of desperation, practically begging them to hire me.  Did I do well? Yes. Always making it down to the wire.  But it wasn’t me in the room.  I haven’t been myself for a while. The reason why I’m sharing this is because in hindsight I realize I let fear and lies paralyze who I am.  I let fear take away my gifts, and the enjoyment I used to get from sharing them with others.  This is a common symptom of the actor/singer, and I wish it wasn’t.  I am more that just someone who has been on Broadway.  I am more than a singer.  I am more than an actor.  I am a wife.  I am a daughter. I am a sister.  I am a friend and confidant.  I am a dreamer,  and an artist.  I have many facets to my being and you do too! Grow and cultivate all areas of your life so you never ever have to question your existence or what you have been brought into this life to do.  If there is something you want in your life don’t let fear take it away before you’ve even tried to get it.  YOU ARE ENOUGH! FEAR IS A LIAR. 

            To get back to my story on the subway, I had my concealed cry moment, got to my stop and a couple songs had passed.  Walk the 5 blocks it takes to get to my street and this is it was a song called “December.”  I’m listening, walking along and this one sentence landed on my soul like a huge beautiful feather with exactly the right weight it needed to land.

Distill a whole year down into a day

Act like we all start over with a pristine slate

But to get yourself a new life you’ve got to give the other one away

And I’m starting to believe in the power of a name

Cause it can’t be a mistake if I just call it change

Change.  Change is not a mistake.  Change is not weakness.  It’s beautiful. I have let go of the expectation of  being 25 year old Eden.  I am not the person, actor, or singer I was 10 years ago. I don’t want to be.  I want to be better. I am better.  I’m making changes to be the best version of myself for ME. I know that nothing but blessings can come from that.   Thank you for reading and letting me share.  I just wanted to start with exactly where I am today.  That’s all we can do, right?

Tue, 10 Jun 2014